Have you ever looked through your closet and realized that you've outgrown your own fashion. That sense of style that you were so immensely proud of is actually just ridiculous for a 30-something professional with a baby on her hip??? Seriously, hip slung jeans that show your butt crack are just not cute any more. Those tank tops with the built in shelf bras don't support anything that gravity has decided needs to touch the floor without the miracle of a water bra insert...in fact, when you greet the UPS dude in the tank w/shelf bra remember he's not ogling your breasts, he is shocked and appalled at the fact that they stretch that far!!! PUT ON A REAL BRA!!! (this is really just a reminder to myself...anybody who feels comfortable letting their boobs hang low, by all means, sing it sister!)
Not only has your skin changed, your hips expanded, your boobs shrunken, your belly taken on a new layer of dough, but your clothes just do not fit right. They just don't. I could blame little bean for this but really who can blame the kid for craving M&M's and ice cream every night while taking up residence in that sanctuary inside mommy? Nope, can't blame the kid at all for that.... So, my theory is 9 months on 9 months off and the leftovers are just called reality. I'm not defeated, I know with some hard work and dedication I could change my body, solidify the dough, >tighten< the not so tight. I just haven't gotten there and really I'm not all that worried about it. It's the clothes that are really starting to tick me off. When did I suddenly become an adult? I went out yesterday in a t-shirt that I've had since my late twenties, cool at the time. I felt like a moron when I realized I look like a 30-something trying to hard. I was comfortable mind you - until I was extremely uncomfortable sitting in the dentists office with little bean and a shirt with a skull and flowers on the front. Yeah....maybe shoulda gone for a polo or something.
I understand clothes. I'm not inserting some weird bragging moment here, it's just fact. I worked in retail for years and watched thousands of people try on clothing and ask for opinions. The observations a retail employee makes are unreal and enough for a blog in and of itself. Remember: treat them nicely, they don't make enough money for you to be a maniacal ass just because they don't want to get fired and they WILL talk about you and your stupidity when you leave. Unless of course your sales clerk is being an ass to begin with (remember Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman? "You work on commission right? Big Mistake. HUGE. I have to go shopping now!" yeah, that warrants you being a maniacal ass). Anyway, that being said, I learned what looks right on certain body types and what should just never be put on a shelf again in the history of its existence. At the time, a t-shirt and jeans almost always did the trick, a nice dress got a lot of thumbs up and skirts were a good go-to. The uniform phase of my retail days were harsh but "oh-so-easy to get dressed in the morning" days. Then were the maternity days where everything maternity either looks cute or like a freakin blimp so it's easy to narrow down what you'll wear. Hardly any chance of your butt crack hanging out when your pants pull up to your armpits...and the bras! Wow, let me just tell you, those suckers aren't going ANYWHERE! All good stuff but short-lived indeed.
So that leaves us with the post-pregnancy body, wardrobe from your twenties, need something fresh and stunning conundrum. (I love the word conundrum and it rarely makes enough of an appearance. If you're not sure what it means just think: What is black and white and read all over? A newspaper. Enough said) Hoodies, t-shirts, jeans, yoga pants, stretchy bras that offer absolutely zero Ooomph...great for around the house, running errands with a jacket on and the early days of spit up, throw up, diaper blow-outs and milk disasters. From there...good luck. What do you wear when you want to dress up or just look decent? I think it is simply time to employ the wonders of Pinterest and choose outfits wisely. If only there were a button on there that would automatically ship each and every outfit to my closet. Yeah...that would be dreamy! Since there isn't and I'm not a millionaire, I suppose I could learn how to sew. Ha! Yeah, that's what I'll do. In my spare time I'm going to learn how to sew and in the meantime I'll just run around naked (that poor, poor delivery guy...he doesn't even know what's about to hit him!). Nope, that just won't do. I suppose my advice is this. Take your clothing purchases one step at a time. Don't panic when you don't have the right outfit, ask a girlfriend. Chances are that between you, something can be pulled together and it will be better then anything you purchased in a hurry. Try stuff on and don't be afraid to return it if you get it home and it just doesn't look the same. If you aren't a returner - leave it in the store. If you're still thinking about it tomorrow, it's a must have. Take a picture of yourself in what you're wearing. It ALWAYS looks different in a picture and in my opinion you're looking at the reflection that you want the world to see so if you aren't super happy with it try something a little different.
I can't say that my style has suddenly drastically improved and that I have this shocking and amazing closet but I do like a good buy and I'm patient so when something really good comes along and I know I'll get use out of it, I go for it. Otherwise, see you in consignment friend because you are bound to end up there! If you're able and you can employ a personal shopper I say go for it (if I could, I totally would...) If not, just try not to take it out on the innocent. This reminds me of a story from my retail days. It was the dead of winter and COLD and the store was packed with puffy jackets in a rainbow of colors and ski pants galore. I happened upon a couple that looked distressed in the ski pant section and I offered my help. Wow. Never have I regretted helping a customer so much in my life (see, I told you we would talk about you). The woman went into absolute and complete melt-down mode. She felt that every pair of ski pants she tried on made her look like the Michelin man or the Pillsbury Dough Boy (they didn't, I assure you). She then went on to explain that they were in town on their honeymoon and why the hell did she let him convince her that a skiing trip would be romantic and everything that she had dreamed of?!?!?! Surely we could remedy this.... She laid down on the floor crying. In the middle of the store. Lost it. Yeah....I wonder if they are still married? Needless to say, she left with no ski pants in hand and it was not for lack of a valiant effort on my part, but they had decided that she needed food, caffeine and rest. In my personal opinion, I think she needed an extremely stiff drink and plane tickets to someplace REALLY hot...and sandy...and blue. Cue: Fairy-godmother. Don't you think it would be amazing if little mice just scurried around sewing things to fit your body and then a pumpkin turned into a carriage and you had glass slippers to boot? You can bet your bottom dollar I wouldn't lose a glass slipper over some dude! The carriage could be a new pair of skis and the gown a really awesome jacket and pants, but beggers can't be choosers and if the mice aren't that crafty - a gown would do.
As I struggle though the ordeal of finding a new wardrobe and find minimal options I remind myself that it could be worse and at least I'm not curled in the fetal position in the middle of a store in the middle of my worst nightmare of a honeymoon. I think I'll stick to shoes for now and I'll let you know when perfection strikes.
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