Inbox Invasion

I get the best emails.  Not because I'm popular mind you, but because I'm a sucker.  My latest favorite is:

"$20 for $40 of Spider Vein or Stretch Mark Cream" 

Seriously, how do they do this??? How did "they" channel  into my inner woman and know that "hey, this one is bound to be an emotional train-wreck and self-conscious enough to need this stuff!!! We've got a live one here people!" (I didn't buy it, just to clarify...) I mean, I log onto Facebook and there are 12 different advertisements touting diapers and maternity clothes, careers and baby bottles.  Jeez. What do they think I do in my spare time anyway? It's amazing to me that my inbox can fill up so quickly with random crap.  If I thought I was terrible at housecleaning...well lets just welcome in Cyber-cleaning. Yikes! Can anyone say new email account? Yeah. That's how I deal with it alright.  Out with the old, in with the new.

I try to filter the important stuff. Like, what if there is an amazing bra sale somewhere and I were to miss it just because I shut down my old email address??!?? That would be seriously disturbing...especially if you read my last post and remember how desperate a girl can get for great over the shoulder-boulder holders (Quit Slacking...Read it Here) I mean, to quote How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days "this is death kong 5!!!" (probably one of my most favorite girl movies of all time...just sayin') The world of great support is no joking matter.  That being said, I've never actually deleted an old email account, I simply keep them and check them periodically but move on to bigger and better things for those totally random but really important friend emails that I get one, maybe two, times a month.  Being frivolous is not my normal approach to life, I'm usually not so wasteful and much more conscious of my footprint; however, the thought of cyber-cleaning really makes my skin crawl...It's just not fun.  In the words of little bean, it's a bit winky (aka: sour or in this case a sore subject).

 Then to dive into the world of cyber-organization (forget cleaning, how about just putting things in the right place to begin with)...Oh, forget it! I think that if I understood fully what HTML meant and how to actually put things in their proper place, I could excel in this arena.  I mean, who doesn't like having their ducks in a row? Then again, that's when I start to lose stuff and my passwords freak out on me and I have to start all over again.  It's unreal the amount of things that can suck away your time on the internet.  Really...How did I just lose six hours trying to find out how to add a pin it button to my blog???? Yikes! (yes, this really did happen...tips and advice are appreciated)

Everyone has something to say.  I can hardly drink a cup of tea without being told what a wise old sage used to say, although that is hands down my favorite part of drinking a cup of tea.  Seriously, who doesn't love looking under the cap of their Nantucket Nectar and finding some useless fact about Nantucket that makes you instantly feel smarter and cooler.  I love that! Or learning that "body language is the universal tongue: (I kid you not, that's what my tea bag says right now!).   Some folks use their bodies for billboards (yes, I have tattoos. Plural.) and some people just plaster their vehicles with a million and two bumper stickers.  Yet, their is nothing more crazy then opening your inbox and seeing that in the last five minutes you have received twenty emails and they all have to do with selling you something and usually something that will improve you in some new-fangled manner.  Good thing I don't look to my computer for self-confidence because it really doesn't seem to think very highly of me. 

Ah well, I guess maybe I could use some spam filters but I always feel so guilty doing that! Does someone get in trouble if I report their message about spider veins as spam?  For that matter, who named it spam anyway?  I thought that was the disgusting blob-by meat that came in a can and made up part of my childhood that I refuse to touch with a ten foot pole now.  Or is that maybe the point? Probably.  I know there are ways around receiving two-hundred and fifty thousand useless emails, but it kindof just makes me feel important.  That one a month from a friend that isn't a forward or just for laughs type email has special abilities to be at the top of my email list no matter what, so lets just keep the junk coming and feel good about having a full inbox.  I think I've requested half of them anyway, although I couldn't even begin to tell you why.  Maybe this is a sign that I need to choose wisely when it comes to plugging in my email address, or maybe everyone has a junk-mail email address.  Either way, I go there when I need to feel better about my lack of socialization. 

For now, I'm going to go revel in my fake popularity and probably investigate my spider veins a little more closely to figure out how that weakness is doing these days.  Maybe it will be enough inspiration to get organized and conquer the inbox invaders once and for all!

Bibbidy Bobbidy Boo

Have you ever looked through your closet and realized that you've outgrown your own fashion.   That sense of style that you were so immensely proud of is actually just ridiculous for a 30-something professional with a baby on her hip??? Seriously, hip slung jeans that show your butt crack are just not cute any more.  Those tank tops with the built in shelf bras don't support anything that gravity has decided needs to touch the floor without the miracle of a water bra insert...in fact, when you greet the UPS dude in the tank w/shelf bra remember he's not ogling your breasts, he is shocked and appalled at the fact that they stretch that far!!! PUT ON A REAL BRA!!! (this is really just a reminder to myself...anybody who feels comfortable letting their boobs hang low, by all means, sing it sister!)

Not only has your skin changed, your hips expanded, your boobs shrunken, your belly taken on a new layer of dough, but your clothes just do not fit right.  They just don't.  I could blame little bean for this but really who can blame the kid for craving M&M's and ice cream every night while taking up residence in that sanctuary inside mommy? Nope, can't blame the kid at all for that.... So, my theory is 9 months on 9 months off and the leftovers are just called reality.  I'm not defeated, I know with some hard work and dedication I could change my body, solidify the dough, >tighten< the not so tight. I just haven't gotten there and really I'm not all that worried about it. It's the clothes that are really starting to tick me off. When did I suddenly become an adult? I went out yesterday in a t-shirt that I've had since my late twenties, cool at the time. I felt like a moron when I realized I look like a 30-something trying to hard.  I was comfortable mind you - until I was extremely uncomfortable sitting in the dentists office with little bean and a shirt with a skull and flowers on the front.  Yeah....maybe shoulda gone for a polo or something. 

The Not so Pleasant Bits

Makeup. You know, I've never gotten good at using the stuff... Once in a while I'll get a tip from a friend, like use blotting papers when you're out and need to look like you just walked off the runway not the playground.  (Disclaimer: I really have no clue what these are actually called. I just made that up; but to clarify they look like tracing paper with some powder on one side and they absorb that shiny sheen you get when you've been busy all day and haven't had a chance to shower before you have to go to an important event...ya know?) Or you forget your lip gloss and ask a friend to borrow some and then frantically try to ingrain the name of the stuff into your already overstuffed brain so you can rush to your nearest drug store and purchase it in the hopes that you may possibly one day look half as stunning as the original owner.  This is making me sound like I have some major self-image issues.  I wouldn't say that...I would however say that I have earned each and every gray hair I possess, that I have stayed up countless nights to acquire the bags and purple smudges under my eyes and quite frankly I don't look like the 21 year old version of myself any longer.  I'm proud of my hips, my age and everything I've been through to earn every iota of motherhood I possess. So let me rephrase, the lip gloss you borrowed from your much younger, single, child-less friend who looks like she probably slept 12 hours last night alone...not 12 hours total in the last four nights. 

I wish I had some infinite wisdom to share with you here about what makeup you can whip onto your face to make you look ten years younger... No. Scratch THAT. To make you look like you just got a full night of sleep.  Can you imagine if you could bottle that stuff up?!?! Genius idea. Lets think on that one, but for now my wisdom is this.  It can be a challenge to embrace who you are and to enjoy the coming of age.  I personally have always been excited to get older. Maybe it's because I know I won't be making those same dumb-a@$ mistakes I made in my late teens, early twenties, late twenties...oh well, if we're being honest, the mistakes I'm still making.  It is fun, fun, fun to get dressed up and made up and feel like a million bucks for a while and it's fun to get your makeup just right and find something that makes you feel like you just discovered a genie in a bottle for a little while.  It's fun to be a girl and to flaunt the good stuff if you feel like flaunting! However, makeup is not who it says it really is.  Throughout my makeup wearing days I have learned that it is not the makeup, but the person inside that smiles brighter then anybody else, that stands tall, that respects the changes her body has made and is proud to just be that makes you feel like a million bucks.  That is my infinite wisdom on makeup. It lies. 

I own drawers and drawers full of the stuff. It's unreal! I could probably have a healthy savings right now if I stopped walking into the drug store!!! That place is like my kryptonite. I only enter on an emergency basis anymore and even still I end up with stuff I never, ever in a million years needed. Yet, the marketing was awesome, the packaging was too cool to walk away from and I really just "needed" it.  There must be a name for this drug-store obsession I have and to make matters worse, you can simply shop for it all online now! Even greater selections at your beck and call. Ouch. The "lies" work when it comes to sucking me in and making me want to believe.  I honestly do feel refreshed and awake when I apply mascara and some superhero bag reducing, purple smudge erasing, magical potion to my under-eye area.  There is nothing wrong with that as far as I'm concerned, it is a matter of opinion and what makes us feel confident. Maybe the marketing helped guide us there but in reality we decide if we like it and will use it again or if it ends up in the depths of the drawer we rarely open to get a little makeup assistance. 

Funny story: The other day I was out sunbathing on my lawn.  I live in a "relatively" private area and didn't fear that anyone would see anything they shouldn't because I had a bathing suit on...no big deal right? Then a delivery truck started to pull up my driveway and I booked it to the back of the house in hopes that I could outrun his speed up my hill and throw on a t-shirt before getting so busted.  I was clearly unsuccessful as he cracked a joke saying something about it being "pretty private up here huh?" HA!! BUSTED. Mortified.  Re-telling this story to my own mother she asks, "why is it that people can go to a beach full of strangers in a swimsuit but in their own back yard they freak out and run away like fools?" (this may not be her exact wording, but it's how I interpreted it anyway.) So true. Why not own up to the fact that I was taking advantage of little beans nap and catching a few rays (with sunscreen....retract the claws!) and this guy was actually on my territory and time? Same reason I feel awake and confident when I have on a little makeup.  It's hiding the not so pleasant bits and enhancing the ones I like to make it through a day.  If that's what it takes, I say go for it within reason and feel like a million bucks. You really do only live once.

If only I could remember the name of that lip gloss....must be in there with my forgotten passwords somewhere!